When Self-Care doesn't workMay 13, 2021
Is your self-care not working?
It doesn’t matter how many baths you take.
It doesn’t matter how zen your space is or how much you meditate.
That feeling of burn out - that soul-deep exhaustion that it doesn’t matter what you do or how often you do it you can’t just get to a point where you ever feel well-rested or have the energy is happening because of these three things:
- People-pleasing is conditioned sacrifice. We give everything for the sake of others by taking time, energy, emotions, and money away from yourself to give to keep other people happy and comfortable. You’re letting people know that their value is more than yours by doing this. It also tricks them into thinking you’re something you’re not, which leads to resentment on both ends.
- Not being able to say no happens because we have fear around confrontation - you don’t want to create drama or be yelled at or be at fault. We feel that saying no is being rude, that we’re not being disrespectful or disobedient. This is anxiety-inducing because there’s a part of us that knows we don’t want to do the thing we were asked to do - and a lot of the time, we don’t even know we don’t want to do it until it’s too late.
- Control happens because you’re desperate for people to like you. You want to be able to belong and will do this by people-pleasing and not saying no. We do this to avoid taking personal responsibility and for us to be able to blame other people when it doesn’t work out the way that we want to. This is often the most tiring of the burn out because we mentally try to figure out how to control the situation and/or all the people involved with it setting everyone involved up for failure.
It’s important to know that this is not who you are, these are conditioned behaviours and patterns that can be recognized and healed. When you start to give yourself permission to learn where your boundaries are and where your personal values are it is easier to be open and honest about what is happening around you and how you can make changes in your reactions to avoid further burn out.
Notice in your life where you feel the most burnt out - where are you trying to control the people in that situation to get a better outcome? Where are you saying yes when it feels like a no on the inside? Where are you making the comfort level of other people more important than the comfort level that you have?